Coffeeshop Slam © Dominique De-Light 2006
YOUTH: White male, early twenties, dressed in hoody & gold chains, with 'black gansta' attitude.
CAFE, LOOKS ROUND DISAPROVINGLY, IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT HE EXPECTED. HE APPROACHES THE COUNTER AND AN ELDERLY WOMAN
WAITING TO BE SERVED. HE TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER.
YOUTH: Yo grandma, where's the slam?
GRANDMA: What's that young man?
YOUTH: The slam. You know, the MC t'ing.
Where's the blow, where's the bling?
Thought it going down here, see?
GRANDMA: Sorry, boy, you've lost me.
YOUTH: (SUCKS TEETH) Man, old folk, make me wanna choke. (RAISES VOICE) MC Slam. Free-styling rappers, back chatting slang.
THROWS HANDS IN THE AIR, SHAKES HEAD
YOUTH: Granny's make jam, she ain't ever gonna understand.
GRANDMA: No need for rudeness, young man.
YOUTH: Rude boy's my MC tag.
I ain't no toy, I'm real bad
(SUCKS TEETH) You're no joy
(FLICKS FINGERS AT HER) You're real sad!
HE SLOUCHES TOWARDS THE DOOR
YOUTH (TO HIMSELF) Old biddy, silly slag.
GRANDMA WHIPS ROUND
GRANDMA (STERN) Stop right there boy!
YOUTH STOPS & TURNS
GRANDMA Just because I'm of pensionable age,
Don't mean to say I don't get in a rage.
You young folk really get my goat
Thinking we can't hear
Your whispered words
Well I tell you son,
This hearing aid
Picks up a swish of a skirt
YOUTH (IN SHOCK) You back chatting me, old lady?
GRANDMA Back chat?
You'll eat my hat
When I finished with you.
I've had enough of the youth of today
Thinking they're the only ones with summat to say
YOUTH Grandma grandma chill
Calm yourself, take a valium pill
You're too old, rappers are young
They're bold, and black as the habit of a nun
You're way past retirement day
No longer fast, you're totally grey
GRANDMA: Well as far as I can see
You're as white as white can be
YOUTH: Small t'ing, small t'ing, my skin is white
But I've got bling, my soul is black
And if Emininem can do it, I can make up a track
GRANDMA You not watch the history channel then?
We're all from African DNA.
I'm older than you, I'm closer to the roots
You can't stop me, having my say.
YOUTH: Grandma, where's your white stick?
(SHAKES HIS HEAD)
Why am I pandering to you, old bid?
Use your eyes. Look! You...Me
See? Style. Rap's street
Keeping it real. You're...you're just beat
GRANDMA: You call it street style
I call it literary
You call it rapping
I call it poetry
YOUTH Horrors! You know nothing 'bout back chatting.
You probably think MC stands for...for...
(SEARCHING FOR THE WORDS) Mr Chaplain
GRANDMA I watch the television young man
Got a lot of time on my hands
I see that MTV all the time
I like to watch them women
What they does call it?
W...i...n...e... (DOES A LITTLE SHIMMY OF THE HIPS)
YOUTH (DANCING IN AN MC FASHION)
Yeah, but rapping's a beat, you feel it in your soul
You feel it in your feet, you're way too old
To feel the stir, you know nothing of rhythm and scan.
GRANDMA (INTERUPTING) Eh, eh, young man!
You think you invented original verse?
Poetry was around
Long before you were nursed
I've read Keats, Milton, Kipling
Now they had rhythms
You'd call 'kicking'.
YOUTH: Why am I taking this from you?
Look at these folk, they ain't got a clue
They came for a joke and a coffee with friends
Look at that bloke, he knows nothing about MCing trends
Makes me sick the way they're looking at me
As if shit is all they see,
Rhyming takes skill and dedication
Time and constant application.
I might cause irritation, but they're hoping to see
Me imprisoned in a penitentiary.
GRANDMA Calm down, calm down young man
You say you came for an MC slam
They don't do them here but
That don't mean to say
We can't play
With rhythms and scans and words and rhymes
I might be three times your age
But I've got time
YOUTH Old lady? Lay off, man!
I'm not listening, so talk to the hand
GRANDMA Don't you see son?
That's just the point I'm trying to make
Rhythm and rhyme
Unite us in this place
I'm here, pension day, every week
If you fancy a verbal challenge
It's here I'll be.
YOUTH Granny, I don't know, it ain't easy
Jamming with you, my brethren see me
What they gonna do? It just ain't cool.
GRANDMA You not heard of DJ Derek? You ever see him play?
YOUTH SHAKES HEAD
GRANDMA The man warrants real merit,
He's sixty at least I'd say.
Plays reggae, hip hop and dancehall tunes
Accent's Jamaican to the core
Skin as white as the moon
Coolest thing going, always packs the dance floor
YOUTH Alright missus, I'll be here next week
I need a little practice, thinking on my feet
GRANDMA Good lad.
I knew you'd see sense
YOUTH OPENS DOOR, THEN TURNS BACK
YOUTH So old lady, what's your MC name?
GRANDMA Let's see,
I'm old but I'm fast
I'm a whiz with the words
I speak in rhythm and rhymes
That can't be misheard
The old will laugh
The young will too
That's not gonna stop me
Doing what I do
MC Wonder! That's my name!
Because when I stand up
When I stand up! (CF: EMININEM TRACK)
They all wonder
What's her game?
YOUTH Right on grandma! (PUNCHES THE AIR)
GRANDMA Right on son! (FIST IN THE AIR)
GRANDMA KNOCKS ON THE COUNTER FOR SERVICE
GRANDMA Ooooh, a coffee please
All that rhyming,
I'm weak at the knees.